Things people don't talk about

I've always had a habit of being a busy body. Especially when it came to things that I knew I would one day be a part of, e.g. relationships, marriage, parenting. So I remember listening attentively to older women talk (or gossip) about their marriage, spouse, parenting, kids etc. Kinda my way of researching if you'd like.

But I've realised that being Asian means that there will bound to be things people won't talk about. Afterall, we've always been told never to "show our dirty linen" to the entire neighborhood. =/ There are heaps of truths in that wise saying. But sometimes I can't help but wonder... whether the world would be a better and less scarier place if people owned up once in a while that life ain't perfect instead of trying hard to cover everything up and create this facade. But hey, this is just strictly my own opinion.

My husband is a very private person, whereas I'm a little more.. opened. Because we are one, a lot of my reflections, speed bumps, trials and such involve him as well. So how much to share, when to share, to whom to share has to be taken into consideration. I shall attempt today to share a little of what I've been going through these past 32 weeks and 2 days.

1st trimester:
Finding out we were pregnant was a bit of a shocker. I've always known when I ovulated. That September 09, we had decided to try again and to my dismay, no signs of ovulation emerged. Only thing different was that we argued alot. I was constantly angry at anything and everything. Poor Justin. =( When we got back from a short trip to Singapore, something just didn't feel the same, and I told Justin, i'm 2 days late (but that's nothing big cause I've been later than that before). Did a pregnancy test and a very faint line appeared, tried again 2 days later and voila, a nice positive mark. I was happy, but I think... at that point I was more anxious and worried than happy... afterall... we had just lost a child 3 months ago.

Weeks that followed that were filled with lots of adjustments. Quite quickly I was tired, queasy all day long, and unable to do many things. Justin was shoved straight into assuming the new role of caring for me and himself, doing chores, ironing clothes, listen to my woes and worries etc. He had to (almost within 2 weeks or so) adjust to not having his "wife" and instead, having a sick and paranoid cat to deal with... On hindsight... I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him. As I grew more advanced into morning sickness, I also grew to be more demanding. Hence, took much much more than I gave. Lots of arguments broke forth in this trimester... I think both of us were just not prepared for the physical and emotional changes that came really really quickly after the positive sign appeared. It was as though we had stopped being a couple.

Second trimester:
Things were much better physically for me in this trimester. But for the past 3 months, a pattern had been established where I took and Justin gave. Even when I felt better, I got lazy... I stopped cooking and we stopped talking over the dinner table, we stopped spending time with each other doing couple things. Because all I could think of were things that we needed to get for the baby, baby names, and all things baby! With my new burst of energy, all I wanted to do was shop for all things baby!! Imagine the poor husband... who had his wife on temporary leave of absence for 3 months, to have her back.. only she's too caught up doing things for another person. Sigh...

We argued a whole lot this trimester too... it was a tug of war... On my part I couldn't understand why he was aversive towards the baby, and on his part he couldn't understand why everything changed all of a sudden and why he couldn't have his 'old' wife back.

Third trimester:
With days passing like hours, I admit having my head filled with worries about labor, birth, health and development of my child, the aftermath etc... But it has finally hit me... in 6-7 weeks' time, we'd never be the same again. Two will become three... then there's this sinking feeling that I've wasted many chances in the past few months to spend good quality time with my husband... my partner... my soul mate. Oh Lord.. I pray that we still have time left to mend whatever that needs mending. Amen.