One Year Later

Yesterday, exactly one year ago, I vividly remember waiting anxiously at the gynae's office for more than an hour, and then hearing the news that we were indeed pregnant, although it was still too early and no gestational sac was seen yet. I also remember announcing it at my grandma's. I still think of that baby, we refer to him/her as our first child. Never knew if it was a he/she. I still miss that baby. We named him/her Bubby.

It seems that in the short span of 365 days, we've been through a few years' worth of stuff. And one year later, here we are with baby no. 2 at 30 weeks and 6 days. She's a healthy and strong one who is mostly awake at 10.30am and 10.30pm. Who jiggles a lot when there's smooth jazz or daddy's gentle guitaring in the background.

Looking back at the past 365 days, it's been a heck of a journey. Scares, tears, fears, joys, you name it, we've probably had a sample of most emotions known to man. And after all these days... I find that the only thing I can think of is how Faithful our God has been. He is simply amazing!

Today as I look upon the cross on Good Friday, there's a new understanding on the vastness of His faithfulness... The Crown, the Cross, the Blood, the Salvation, everything is just amazing. To think that the Lord of the Heavens would care for me is just so... Wow.

Lord You are Amazing, exceeding, abundant, above and beyond everything!

p.s Here's a peak of the proud daddy and the bump @ week 30 and 4 days =)

Walking with the Maker - 2

I'm sitting here wondering why I'm typing this... In the past God spoke through my mindless typing.. I'd sit and just type what my fingers felt like (literally) and then read what I had typed... Countless times, I'd realise that God had spoken through my fingers.. yeap... I guess today I'm desperate for something from God...

Yesterday morning, I noticed 2 pink spots on my chest... I proceeded to shove any negative thoughts away. Then in the afternoon, one more appeared on my elbow... Still negative thoughts were shoved away. After supper, 4 new bright pink spots had appeared.. 2 on each leg. That's when I broke down. Flashbacks came flooding in and I felt like I was trying so very hard to hold down the floodgates to keep the flood of emotions, fears, negative thoughts, and flashbacks that would pour in. But every minute required more energy. Every time I saw the spots my heart ached. And all I said was God No..... I want this baby! I read the Bible and all that was there was a call for me to draw closer to Him.... I cried and that was the end of the night.

This morning, the same number of spots remained... till afternoon, then 2 new ones appeared on my shoulder. I spent the whole day trying to keep the floodgates as tightly closed as possible... as well as trying hard to keep gastric reflux at bay. Needless to say, I was just so tired by the end of the work day.

My students stayed back after school for worship practice. Delaney the worship leader shared why she chose the song "Evermore" and how it had touched her. On May 21st, the morning after we found out we had lost our first baby, I went to work, and the pianist on duty did not know how to play the song "Evermore". So I went up to take his place. The words read... "As I look upon Your name circumstances fade away... now my soul, my soul cries out, You are Holy"... Evermore my heart my heart will say, above all I live for Your glory... I did not want to sing those words. I did not want to live for His glory, I just wanted my baby back. But nevertheless I still played and my mouth still sang. The pain was... indescribable as I uttered those words that above all I live for Your glory.

A few weeks back, for conversation sake, I asked Justin... what if we loose this one as well? He said... we'll try for another... and I said no... He then went on to say.. then we'll just continue living for His glory until we go to heaven and be united with our family...

Now I'm standing at a crossroad. I have 2 viable choices: 1. Continue thinking that I have lost this child and worry; 2. Know that my pink spots are back, know that there is a chance that I may miscarry again, but also know that God is God, and He's holding me now as He always have.

I'm choosing option 2. It's hard... because my next appointment is next Wednesday (past the 8 week 1 day mark)... and I have not heard an audible voice of God saying all will be well, neither have I seen visions or dreamt dreams that my baby will be well... But I have His promises that He always has my best in mind, He will make my joy complete, and a promise that His grace is above so much...

To those of you who have lost children.. born or unborn... you'll understand that the pain is so deep... especially if you know there is nothing you could've done to prevent it... May you continue to hold on to God even though choosing so does not make any sense.

Till my next appointment and ultrascan, I'm believing that my child will live, my child is now being fearfully and wonderfully made. In short... I'm believing that I am having this child!!

Psalm 71

On an off I worry. I'm 6 weeks along now and at the back of my mind I know my first baby went home to the Lord at 8 weeks and 1 day. I try keeping blinders on, and they've been helping. But there are days where the preggers symptoms are lesser and I worry (cause with the last one I totally lost all symptoms within 3 days). Sometimes I feel weak... like I have no strength to keep this up.. this fighting. But that's the beauty of Grace of Our God. That when I am the weakest, I know He is His strongest always.

Shortly after I miscarried, a video on 99 balloons was shown in church (google up the story!) And this was the verse that came up in their website. I've been holding on to this since then. If anyone's reading this and you've feeling or experiencing similar things, I hope this encourages you. Remember the GOD we serve is Mighty and All Powerful.

Psalm 71

God the Rock of Salvation

¹ In You, O LORD, I put my trust;
Let me never be put to shame.
² Deliver me in Your righteousness, and cause me to escape;
Incline Your ear to me, and save me.
³ Be my strong refuge,
To which I may resort continually;
You have given the commandment to save me,
For You are my rock and my fortress.

⁴ Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked,
Out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.
⁵ For You are my hope, O Lord GOD;
You are my trust from my youth.
⁶ By You I have been upheld from birth;
You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.
My praise shall be continually of You.

⁷ I have become as a wonder to many,
But You are my strong refuge.
⁸ Let my mouth be filled with Your praise
And with Your glory all the day.

⁹ Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
Do not forsake me when my strength fails.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
And those who lie in wait for my life take counsel together,
¹¹ Saying, “God has forsaken him;
Pursue and take him, for there is none to deliver him.”

¹² O God, do not be far from me;
O my God, make haste to help me!
¹³ Let them be confounded and consumed
Who are adversaries of my life;
Let them be covered with reproach and dishonor
Who seek my hurt.

¹⁴ But I will hope continually,
And will praise You yet more and more.
¹⁵ My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness
And Your salvation all the day,
For I do not know their limits.
¹⁶ I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD;
I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only.

¹⁷ O God, You have taught me from my youth;
And to this day I declare Your wondrous works.
¹⁸ Now also when I am old and grayheaded,
O God, do not forsake me,
Until I declare Your strength to this generation,
Your power to everyone who is to come.

¹⁹ Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,
You who have done great things;
O God, who is like You?
²⁰ You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
²¹ You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side.

²² Also with the lute I will praise You—
And Your faithfulness, O my God!
To You I will sing with the harp,
O Holy One of Israel.
²³ My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing to You,
And my soul, which You have redeemed.
²⁴ My tongue also shall talk of Your righteousness all the day long;
For they are confounded,
For they are brought to shame
Who seek my hurt.

Walking with the Maker

Since Australia, the idea of God as a Maker and Creator has become very apparent to me. His genius plan orchestrated perfectly in all nature... I used to love taking walks, feeling the breeze whistle God's grace, see the sun display God's splendor, listening to birds sing their unique God-given praises. These remind me of how God is everywhere and in everything even though I don't often feel Him or hear Him, I get to see Him everywhere.

But I was jolted when we had a miscarriage in May. It was our first child. Took me a while to get back on my feet and to praise again. Lots of confusion, lots of unknowns and that frustrated me.

Now 4 months from then, we're pregnant again. Although we prayed and committed our next pregnancy to God, there are still fears... fears that are so real to me. I told God frankly that I did not know what trust means and how to trust. Blinders... blinders on horses. Yes, fact is I miscarried once, fact is I cannot see the future and I don't know what the future holds. But there's also another camp of facts: God is God, God is a perfect Maker and Creator, God said yes, and I know that I am blessed, God is good and His plans for me are good and perfect plans to bring Him glory. So blinders. I have been learning to wear blinders. To focus on truth - on what He said and says.

But this is a battle. Yesterday we had a scare, I felt slightly feverish. The last time I felt feverish while pregnant was the day we lost our baby. Fever was the reaction to the dead fetus. I kept reciting verses to myself, putting on blinders. And for a while, I would feel peaceful, and then the next while, I'd feel a wave of fear and uncertainty all over again. So we decided, we would do everything in our power to aid this pregnancy, the rest is, and always has been, in God's hands. We prayed, and Justin took me to the doctor's. Turns out I had mild food poisoning, which explained the diarrhea and excessive wind. Took charcoal pills - which are safe in pregnancy. And today I am feeling much better.

I've only known about this pregnancy for a week today. And already there are battles. But I've had unrealistic expectations, because battles of faith are BATTLES. Which mean there is bound to be fighting involved. How silly of me for expecting to fold my arms and not need to do anything. Yes the Lord of hosts will fight for me, but before He can, I have to first yield. The field of yielding and setting my eyes on God alone is my battle field. Some days I can fight better than others, but thank God for GOD. His grace is more than sufficient, it is abundant and exceeding. More than enough for the days I have no will and strength to fight.