Things people don't talk about

I've always had a habit of being a busy body. Especially when it came to things that I knew I would one day be a part of, e.g. relationships, marriage, parenting. So I remember listening attentively to older women talk (or gossip) about their marriage, spouse, parenting, kids etc. Kinda my way of researching if you'd like.

But I've realised that being Asian means that there will bound to be things people won't talk about. Afterall, we've always been told never to "show our dirty linen" to the entire neighborhood. =/ There are heaps of truths in that wise saying. But sometimes I can't help but wonder... whether the world would be a better and less scarier place if people owned up once in a while that life ain't perfect instead of trying hard to cover everything up and create this facade. But hey, this is just strictly my own opinion.

My husband is a very private person, whereas I'm a little more.. opened. Because we are one, a lot of my reflections, speed bumps, trials and such involve him as well. So how much to share, when to share, to whom to share has to be taken into consideration. I shall attempt today to share a little of what I've been going through these past 32 weeks and 2 days.

1st trimester:
Finding out we were pregnant was a bit of a shocker. I've always known when I ovulated. That September 09, we had decided to try again and to my dismay, no signs of ovulation emerged. Only thing different was that we argued alot. I was constantly angry at anything and everything. Poor Justin. =( When we got back from a short trip to Singapore, something just didn't feel the same, and I told Justin, i'm 2 days late (but that's nothing big cause I've been later than that before). Did a pregnancy test and a very faint line appeared, tried again 2 days later and voila, a nice positive mark. I was happy, but I think... at that point I was more anxious and worried than happy... afterall... we had just lost a child 3 months ago.

Weeks that followed that were filled with lots of adjustments. Quite quickly I was tired, queasy all day long, and unable to do many things. Justin was shoved straight into assuming the new role of caring for me and himself, doing chores, ironing clothes, listen to my woes and worries etc. He had to (almost within 2 weeks or so) adjust to not having his "wife" and instead, having a sick and paranoid cat to deal with... On hindsight... I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him. As I grew more advanced into morning sickness, I also grew to be more demanding. Hence, took much much more than I gave. Lots of arguments broke forth in this trimester... I think both of us were just not prepared for the physical and emotional changes that came really really quickly after the positive sign appeared. It was as though we had stopped being a couple.

Second trimester:
Things were much better physically for me in this trimester. But for the past 3 months, a pattern had been established where I took and Justin gave. Even when I felt better, I got lazy... I stopped cooking and we stopped talking over the dinner table, we stopped spending time with each other doing couple things. Because all I could think of were things that we needed to get for the baby, baby names, and all things baby! With my new burst of energy, all I wanted to do was shop for all things baby!! Imagine the poor husband... who had his wife on temporary leave of absence for 3 months, to have her back.. only she's too caught up doing things for another person. Sigh...

We argued a whole lot this trimester too... it was a tug of war... On my part I couldn't understand why he was aversive towards the baby, and on his part he couldn't understand why everything changed all of a sudden and why he couldn't have his 'old' wife back.

Third trimester:
With days passing like hours, I admit having my head filled with worries about labor, birth, health and development of my child, the aftermath etc... But it has finally hit me... in 6-7 weeks' time, we'd never be the same again. Two will become three... then there's this sinking feeling that I've wasted many chances in the past few months to spend good quality time with my husband... my partner... my soul mate. Oh Lord.. I pray that we still have time left to mend whatever that needs mending. Amen.

One of those days...2

I'm wondering how many times has God and Justin heard this complaint since I got pregnant... I really am a worry wart...

After blogging about our girl's waking and moving patterns, yesterday things changed again... She was still yesterday... I counted probably 10 movements for the whole day... and even then, they were weak ones... only 3 hard belly-jiggling kicks... Other than that.. she was still... Imagine the worries...

I found myself up almost all night praying and holding on to my bump, trying to feel the slightest movements from my little girl... none.

Her daddy is not as worried as I am... because we've been through this before... where there'll be days she's as still as a rock. But the thought of losing another child is too overwhelming for me... and I find myself torn between entertaining my worries and fighting the battle of faith and believing.

We've come so far... Tomorrow marks the 28th week since we've had her. We've been through many hurdles - psychological and emotional ones. But it feels horrible that even after we've weathered through so many storms, my faith still remains so so small.

I now find myself telling God... Lord, I need to feel my girl kick hard today... please.

Wow.. I just felt her squirm =D Ok Ok!! that's movement number 1 and 2 today!! Hallelujah!

Fetal Movements

Fetal movements - as a mother on a forum said, there's nothing more reassuring that a good strong poke! I sincerely agree. On days I go around like a crazed maniac paying attention to my bump for the slightest flutter. On other days, I sit delightfully as Bean Sprout punches and kicks inside me. But as to the frequency of the kicks, I've been noticing that this babe is really interesting. While internet sites say that by week 25-28, the baby's "timetable" should be well established. By that, it means that certain babies are morning ones, certain ones are night ones, certain ones move about alot after meals, etc. So like an inexperienced, super kan-chiong mother, I wait and observed attentively for the slightest pattern in movements to find my baby's timetable. But I guess it hasn't been working. =/ See... this babe is very unique (like every other babe), it's sort of like a week by week basis pattern. I've noticed for the past month or so, there will be a week where there's LOTS of disco dancing, prodding, and punching. Then the next week, a decrease in movement. I can try laying on my side, drinking sweet drinks, but nope, minimal movements! And that's been driving me crazyyyy!!

Book that I've been reading discredit counting fetal movements. Thank God they do! If not, I would be again, rushing to the gynae everytime I've not felt baby movements for 12 hours. =/ Today was one of those days where baby movements are low. There are a few reasons why (internet research): 1. mom's been active, hence rocking baby to sleep 2. baby's low on energy 3. baby just doesn't feel like moving (yeap, they have moods too!) 3. fetal position 4. anterior placenta.

Justin had to calm me down again today. And as far as he's concerned, as long as baby does wiggle a little throughout the day, she's perfectly fine! So oh well... worrying is really not good for me and baby. So, I've finally settled down, and lo and behold, she gave me a few good strong kicks. =D I guess I'm a happy mommy again!! hehehehe

To Registry or Not to Registry?

Lenny recently suggested that I create some sort of a baby registry... The idea is still new to me and frankly speaking, I don't know whether it'll work.

If you're blur as to what a Baby Registry is, I shall explain. In the West, people practice gift-giving during the Baby shower. And registries were created to help make the job of gift-givers easier. Cause often times we get stuck trying to think of what to buy. So a baby registry is basically a wish-list where the mother-to-be writes down a list of gifts/items that she needs/wants/would like. And people pick from that list and buy them. Hence, cutting short the job of thinking of what to buy etc. And nowadays with the increase of online shops, gift-givers need not rush to the stores anymore. Just simply click on the link to the online shop in the baby registry, select gift, and it will be delivered to the mom-to-be's doorstep.

So yes, it does sound like a very nice idea as Lenny put. But still there's this... malu factor. When I told Justin about the idea, he said... eeee.. isn't that like begging? @@

So how how how?? To registry or not to??

My mom suggested that I could set up a registry and see who picks up what. If no one picks up anything that's perfectly fine, if people do pick up things, that's great! Hmm... Maybe I'll take mom's suggestion. Set it up and see how lo.

What's in the Name?

With only 14 weeks left before this baby comes (may be less though). The biggest issues on my mind now are finances and the name!

Private hospitals here have a policy... if baby is born during non office hours (i.e. 6pm- 8am and on public holidays/weekends), delivery cost doubles. Sigh... My friend just told us she delivered her first child for a whooping 8,000.00 ++. We are honestly not prepared financially for this bill. On top of this there's still the stroller, car seat, and playpen left to purchase. All of which will amount to about 2,500.00. I can very honestly say, I've been panicking, worrying, and praying... Interesting thing is, I heard a whisper 2 days ago (before all these worries started pouring in) that He has not let me down yet, and will never let me down... Justin says this was God's reassuring voice. I honestly have never been so worried about finances before... Interesting how Justin is calm at this time when I'm all over the place worrying. I need to be like Mary... breatheee..

Which brings me to the next issue - BABY NAME!!!!
We have a shortlist. It is very short. But, somehow we can't seem to decide!! What we do have is a list of Chinese names =D

Boy: Yap Khye Ven / Yap Khye Jieh
Girl: Yap Kye Lee / Yap Kye Yen

The issue we have with English/Christian names is... We want something that fits our criterion:
1. Must have suitable and significant meaning(s)
2. Must not be common (or associated to someone we know, especially someone who's spoiled the name =/)
3. Must sound pleasing to the ear and look pleasing to the eye (this is important as some spellings are just... weird)
4. With the least possible mispronunciations and negative connotations in as many known languages in our community as possible

Ok.. after typing this list out, I've realized how fussy we are. But the thing with names is, we believe that the name is ESSENTIAL! We definitely won't go with anything that means dark defiance or has a mediocre meaning. Which is why we gave up "Taylor" which we both loved.. because "Taylor" means "cutter of cloth" =/

Soooo yes... what's in the name? We believe that the name holds alot =) while our child's future may not be shaped merely by the name, but during Bible times, the name meant the parent's vision of their child. And often times vision goes before alot of things! So when we name our child, we want that to be our vision of our child and how we're going to bring the child up. =) While we know that this may push us to "add pressure" onto the child, nevertheless we still believe that this child is born for a purpose and we are stewards. Which means that above raising the child to have a healthy self esteem, to feel good about him/herself, and to be happy, we have the responsibility to raise a responsible, God-fearing, mission oriented child that will understand that his/her life has been bought for a price and there is more to life that him/her.

Oohhh the name... we only have a merer 103 days or less to decide on one. Lord help!! Which reminds me... it's so cute knowing that God already knows what this baby will be called, we just don't know it yet =D

105 days and counting???

Just happened to scroll down to the pregnancy countdown on the bottom of this blog and I read 105 days.... I paused and exclaimed to Justin. And then we both paused... and then panicked. 105 days??? Oh gosh... at the rate days are flying... it'll be in no time till I actually go through the whole labor process...

I have to admit I've been putting off thinking of labor thus far. But aswe hit 6 months last week, I realised the need to start educating myself on what I may be able to expect when "the time comes". It's been... scary actually. Some women have wonderful birth stories, others have horror-filled ones. But I've started praying hard... Last night I thought... sigh, no point worrying, either way this baby's gonna come out. =/

These really are exciting times, why would anyone put off having children? =S (honest question ya)

We had another revelation today.... you know how 2 are supposed to become 1 after marriage and sexual intercourse? But we've always felt that while yes, spiritually we are 1, we are still very distinct individuals. Then it clicked... we really truly become 1 through our children. Imagine this... husband and wife have different genetic make up, personality, preferences etc... but their child is a true mix of everything of the husband and wife. Amazing how God designed this! Our God is amazing!

How my life has changed since pregnancy

You know how people say that life changes dramatically when you get pregnant? More so for the women than the men? I never really sat down to think about such life changes. Today seems like a good day to do so.

Apart from the physical aspect which I blog in my Whale-ly updates, lots of changes have been taking place in the emotional and psychological person as well.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was elated. I kept thanking God that I was pregnant again! But deep inside, there was this inhibitor, something that kept me from rejoicing totally. The previous miscarriage still weight heavily on me, and there was a sense that this was so surreal.

Weeks after that I caught myself taking extra care of my body, taking slower steps down the stairs, not running, not shouting, not carrying heavy things, which is hard for me to do... See, I am a workaholic as Justin would say. I cannot sit still and watch while there are things left undone. I need to do them. So for me to slow down my pace, and to need to ask for help when it comes to carrying things or doing basic housework, is torture. It made me feel helpless. I felt needy, and as though I was a burden. Till now I still can't function perfectly at work, I get bouts of nausea, gastric reflux, dizziness, and lethargy that makes me even more helpless.

Then there's this morphing body to deal with... my tummy and waist areas have risen up to declare that they exist. As a result, I feel fat and unattractive. Big blow to the self esteem... People say pregnant women glow. Yeah right... I'm sure they weren't refering to the first trimester preggers. For me, there's no glow in sight. Clothes are getting tighter, and there's only so many loose pieces I have. =/

But inspite of all the horrid feelings I've been experiencing, there's also this sense of calm and thankfulness... that I have been given this precious gift. People tell me that this thankfulness comes full blow when I hold my baby in my arms for the first time. I'll wait till then to confirm that. =D

Relationship wise, it's been different too... as I mentioned, because of the myriad of things I cannot do, Justin has to pitch in and take on my part. It's not very nice to feel like I'm not contributing as much and to watch the other partner burn out faster due to the many responsibilities that require his attention.

Sometimes I wish I could celebrate this pregnancy like I envisioned I would. But I guess that may have to wait till the second trimester? I hope...

So in short, life has changed quite a bit... even though my baby is less than 1 inch CRL now, he/she is sure making a great impact on every aspect of his/her mommy's life.