The lows of mommyhood

My darling daughter.

   Mommy loves you with all her heart, and it has been an indescribable 27 months with you. I really thank God that most of it has been great. But there are also valley experiences like tonight. You are a joy to raise. Strong-willed, spirited, rambunctious, intelligent, inquisitive, and you just exuberate joy. The hardest part in mommyhood so far has been getting you to take a break from adventure - to get you to nap and to sleep. It seems that it has been a tussle since you gained an awareness of your surroundings. As you grew, so did your appetite for fun and exploration. Getting you to nap/sleep is akin to putting a stop in the things you want so badly.

     The real battle started after you turned 2 and mommy decided to wean you off your paci. Since then... nap/sleep time has been battlegrounds between your appetite for fun and mommy's will to make sure you get what you need. It's not fun when these times turn into debates, shouting matches, and mommy's hand on your thighs or bottom. After you drift off to sleep, mommy retreats to a corner to cry. Tonight's just one of those nights.

    I don't know if I'm being overly strict or controlling of your nap/sleep times. Countless people have said that I should just let you be and if you're tired, you'll just fall asleep anywhere, anytime. See... I've tried... and it ended up with you sleeping 3 hours past bedtime after a huge tussle, and then waking up screaming every other hour because you were over stimulated. Then I'd have to wake you the next day because you had to follow me to work, knowing you were sleep deprived. The whole day would then be filled with your crankiness... and you won't be able to take your nap soundly... and in the night it'll be harder to put you to sleep... this cycle would last for 3-5 nights before your clock is retuned...

    My darling daughter... mommy loves you so very much. As I sit here typing this... all I want to do is to let you know that mommy loves you so very very much. And it is tough being a mom. It's tough trying to do the right thing when I don't even know what it is most times. So forgive mommy for yelling at you tonight... I'm sorry.