I'm sitting here wondering why I'm typing this... In the past God spoke through my mindless typing.. I'd sit and just type what my fingers felt like (literally) and then read what I had typed... Countless times, I'd realise that God had spoken through my fingers.. yeap... I guess today I'm desperate for something from God...
Yesterday morning, I noticed 2 pink spots on my chest... I proceeded to shove any negative thoughts away. Then in the afternoon, one more appeared on my elbow... Still negative thoughts were shoved away. After supper, 4 new bright pink spots had appeared.. 2 on each leg. That's when I broke down. Flashbacks came flooding in and I felt like I was trying so very hard to hold down the floodgates to keep the flood of emotions, fears, negative thoughts, and flashbacks that would pour in. But every minute required more energy. Every time I saw the spots my heart ached. And all I said was God No..... I want this baby! I read the Bible and all that was there was a call for me to draw closer to Him.... I cried and that was the end of the night.
This morning, the same number of spots remained... till afternoon, then 2 new ones appeared on my shoulder. I spent the whole day trying to keep the floodgates as tightly closed as possible... as well as trying hard to keep gastric reflux at bay. Needless to say, I was just so tired by the end of the work day.
My students stayed back after school for worship practice. Delaney the worship leader shared why she chose the song "Evermore" and how it had touched her. On May 21st, the morning after we found out we had lost our first baby, I went to work, and the pianist on duty did not know how to play the song "Evermore". So I went up to take his place. The words read... "As I look upon Your name circumstances fade away... now my soul, my soul cries out, You are Holy"... Evermore my heart my heart will say, above all I live for Your glory... I did not want to sing those words. I did not want to live for His glory, I just wanted my baby back. But nevertheless I still played and my mouth still sang. The pain was... indescribable as I uttered those words that above all I live for Your glory.
A few weeks back, for conversation sake, I asked Justin... what if we loose this one as well? He said... we'll try for another... and I said no... He then went on to say.. then we'll just continue living for His glory until we go to heaven and be united with our family...
Now I'm standing at a crossroad. I have 2 viable choices: 1. Continue thinking that I have lost this child and worry; 2. Know that my pink spots are back, know that there is a chance that I may miscarry again, but also know that God is God, and He's holding me now as He always have.
I'm choosing option 2. It's hard... because my next appointment is next Wednesday (past the 8 week 1 day mark)... and I have not heard an audible voice of God saying all will be well, neither have I seen visions or dreamt dreams that my baby will be well... But I have His promises that He always has my best in mind, He will make my joy complete, and a promise that His grace is above so much...
To those of you who have lost children.. born or unborn... you'll understand that the pain is so deep... especially if you know there is nothing you could've done to prevent it... May you continue to hold on to God even though choosing so does not make any sense.
Till my next appointment and ultrascan, I'm believing that my child will live, my child is now being fearfully and wonderfully made. In short... I'm believing that I am having this child!!
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