Walking with the Maker

Since Australia, the idea of God as a Maker and Creator has become very apparent to me. His genius plan orchestrated perfectly in all nature... I used to love taking walks, feeling the breeze whistle God's grace, see the sun display God's splendor, listening to birds sing their unique God-given praises. These remind me of how God is everywhere and in everything even though I don't often feel Him or hear Him, I get to see Him everywhere.

But I was jolted when we had a miscarriage in May. It was our first child. Took me a while to get back on my feet and to praise again. Lots of confusion, lots of unknowns and that frustrated me.

Now 4 months from then, we're pregnant again. Although we prayed and committed our next pregnancy to God, there are still fears... fears that are so real to me. I told God frankly that I did not know what trust means and how to trust. Blinders... blinders on horses. Yes, fact is I miscarried once, fact is I cannot see the future and I don't know what the future holds. But there's also another camp of facts: God is God, God is a perfect Maker and Creator, God said yes, and I know that I am blessed, God is good and His plans for me are good and perfect plans to bring Him glory. So blinders. I have been learning to wear blinders. To focus on truth - on what He said and says.

But this is a battle. Yesterday we had a scare, I felt slightly feverish. The last time I felt feverish while pregnant was the day we lost our baby. Fever was the reaction to the dead fetus. I kept reciting verses to myself, putting on blinders. And for a while, I would feel peaceful, and then the next while, I'd feel a wave of fear and uncertainty all over again. So we decided, we would do everything in our power to aid this pregnancy, the rest is, and always has been, in God's hands. We prayed, and Justin took me to the doctor's. Turns out I had mild food poisoning, which explained the diarrhea and excessive wind. Took charcoal pills - which are safe in pregnancy. And today I am feeling much better.

I've only known about this pregnancy for a week today. And already there are battles. But I've had unrealistic expectations, because battles of faith are BATTLES. Which mean there is bound to be fighting involved. How silly of me for expecting to fold my arms and not need to do anything. Yes the Lord of hosts will fight for me, but before He can, I have to first yield. The field of yielding and setting my eyes on God alone is my battle field. Some days I can fight better than others, but thank God for GOD. His grace is more than sufficient, it is abundant and exceeding. More than enough for the days I have no will and strength to fight.