Becoming a father

A father? Aren't they the guys you see on the expressway during school holidays, perched behind the wheel of a Tarago [MPV] filled to bursting with mattresses, bikes, and assorted domestic detritus and through the fingerprint-encrusted window you can see the slightly crazed look on their face... the kind of look that only comes as one enters the eighth hour of listening to repetitive jangly songs about rabbits and choo choo trains?
Taken from "So you're going to be a dad" by Peter Downey.

If you follow my blog, you would notice that I hardly talk about my child that is due delivery in June. Even on the baby blog, I only posted a single entry. This is partly due to the fact that I am quite a private person, keeping most of my inner thoughts and emotions sealed away, privy to only the closest people in my life. Secondly, I wasn't clear about the many emotions I was feeling and was hesitant to share them. I was also feeling some guilt because I was not rejoicing over the fact that I was going to be a dad. But changes to the way of life and problems adapting to it drove me to find ways to adjust. One of them being reading about becoming a dad.

Reading about other dads and their reactions towards the change of their lifetime, I was comforted by the fact that my not-so-enthusiastic response was common among many of them. Here's a line I found represented me very well, almost word for word.

A father? Me? My father is a father! His father was a father. I'm only a son. Worse, I'm just a boy, a child. I've only just left home. I can't even iron my shirts properly. Panic! Changing nappies? Me? - Downey, 2005.

Believe me, it is quite a paradigm shift changing from someone who takes to someone who gives. Being a son denotes having shelter, provisions, and essentially having someone to lean on in times of need. It means having the comfort and total confidence that this someone will take care of you and not let you down. Being a parent means becoming that someone, having your life revolve around your child, providing for and teaching this midget that (should) looks astonishing like you. It means bearing the well being of someone other than you, firmly on your shoulders; that without you, they will surely not survive.

This is a huge responsibility, especially if you were provided for very well by your parents and it was one that scared the heck out of me. I thought I was being selfish and not such a good husband/father-to-be for thinking all these things. But it seems, I am not alone. I too had to learn how to iron my clothes ever since Sher-Mayne got pregnant and was more tired.

So, I will be a dad in less than 2 months time. That is when I will get to hold my child in my arms for the very first time and my life will never be the same again. Believe it or not, it will be the first time I will be holding a baby in my arms. I really do not know what to expect.