When I am weak

My daughter is amazing. She is well behaved, obedient (well as obedient as a 19 monther can get), she's incredibly intelligent, she is massively cute, she is also very cheeky. She craves attention and does all sort to make us laugh. I love my daughter and she loves me.

But there's 2 things to which my fuses are extra short: 1. nap/sleeptime 2. screaming for attention.

After much reading, Justin concluded that she has sleep problems because she's intelligent ( unbelievable I know). Basically how that happens is that these babies/tots are sooooo into gaining input and exploring the world, that the last thing they want to do is sleep! Kinda like when we adults are hooked onto something. So this interest is like a need to them and it almost always overwrites the need for sleep and rest.

Only in VERY scarce circumstances does Aly whine for sleep and fall asleep in my arms in public/noisy/brightly lit places. She has to have her bedtime routine, has to be put to sleep in a dark dark place, and has to be patted to sleep, that with the aid of the pacifier.

So the problem I have with that is, nap/bedtime routines take a huge toll out of me. Cause when she needs to sleep, mommy is the only one she wants.

Today, it took me 1.5 hours of constant carrying and patting to make her take her nap... when it would normally take 5 minutes. Why? I don't know. But it drove me up the wall and down again. The result: I spanked her and screamed at her.

There are many things I can take, but this is just one of those things that break me. She cried cause mommy was a beast, and fell asleep. After the whole ordeal, I cried. I was alone, tired, with an achy abdomen, and tonnes of housework.

I went through a whole episode of how horrid a mom I was for losing my temper etc...

I have been relying on my own strength since Aly was born. I took pride in educating her, and raising her well. I enjoyed the praises people gave us about Aly. And I did it my way, all by myself. There is  a price to pay when one does not rely on God - loneliness, emptiness, lethargy, and pain.

After pushing through this for 19 months. I am exhausted.

Today I prayed for God to come in... to forgive me for doing this without Him... for being so arrogant. There was a time when I enjoyed being weak. Things fell into place as I humbly obeyed God's leading. I pray this will come back soon.

Today I broke down and cried with my daughter. She saw her mommy cry for the first time in her life, and she cried more. Today I saw myself as I truly am - weak. But it was refreshing that in my weakness... I felt a huge burden lifted...

9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10