The decision

In my last post I had a dilemma and decision to be made - to Clomine or not to Clomine. Well.. after lots of thinking, tossing, and turning. We've submitted it all to God and decided we'll do a round of Clomine. I'm finally feeling good enough to write. Cause since September, my emotions have been catastrophic to say the least. Finally today... Justin remarked, hey you're feeling better already ho? Then I realised, Gee whiz, I AM!

Had a good time just being honest and talking to God today. I miss that. Since September I've just been sending instructions and requests to God... there was no talking, no sharing, no crying my heart out, no honesty. Today I did, and there was no bombastic instant lifting of emotions. There was just a gradual lifting of my heavy heart and I'm feeling more alive now =)

After our first failed attempt, a voice asked me whether I'd be OK if Aly was the only child I got here on earth (remember I have another one in heaven). I couldn't bring myself to answering that, and I hated that question. Then that night itself, Justin asked me the exact same question. I froze. I fought. I argued. I logically analyzed the question. I even gave a politically correct answer. But I know my heart wasn't ready to let it go.

Today, my heart let it go. I let go of my dreams and plans on how my family would be. I let go of my wants and my longings. I let go. And I can finally say, if Aly is the only child I get on earth, I thank the Lord for the privilege of being a mom to my beautiful daughter, and I thank the Lord for all the joy and blessings she brought just by existing. And today, I felt liberated.

So the decision has been made, we'll do a round of Clomine, and if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. =)