Exactly 365 days. That's how long the wait took.
20th May 2009 was a day my heart felt it was ripped into a million pieces. My eyes cried till they could no longer cry, and my head ached with every thought that came. I had questions - many... anger - so much... And what followed were months of silence until one Sunday, 2 months later, all I was told was "just a little longer, just a little longer". I held onto this, not knowing for sure if it was my desperate heart speaking or the gentle whisper of my Lord.
20th May 2010 was the date my gynae set for the C-section. It rang a bell straight away... It was a day I was wondering how I'd spend seeing it was the day we realised we lost our first child. Seems that God had it all planned... it was supposed to be a day of mourning, but He turned it into dancing. It was supposed to be a day of gloom, but He turned it into a day of rejoicing! Still my hard head and skeptical mind thought... "what a coincidence... maybe this wasn't really divine intervention, maybe it was just coincidental...after all... we don't even know if baby is ready to be brought into the world... the C-sect may just be us yanking her out prematurely".
I thought this until 5.15am on 20th May 2010 when my waters broke... then I knew... I knew she was ready, and I knew this was God. He had it all planned... And we never saw it coming...
365 days was how long we had to wait... truly Father, it was just a little longer.
This is the personal God I know and love... Lord, You who made the heavens and the earth would stoop down to earth to plan and orchestrate something so "small" just for us... You knew our heart's desires and You chose to bless us this way... There is none like You.
I love You Lord, with all my heart I can truly say I love You.
We still miss our first baby. We always will... Death is temporary - that's the truth of Jesus. One day we will be reunited with him/her, we will know his/her face, get to hold him/her for all eternity. When that time comes, NOTHING can separate us again.
How it all happened
From my previous post, many would've known that Alyssa was scheduled to be delivered by C-section. Here's how it went.
19th May 2010
We "check-ed in" to SDMC at 7pm, Justin went to settle admission procedures while I was on the 3rd floor labor ward being briefed on the "events" that were to follow. I remember feeling excited on one hand yet jittery... All I remember telling myself was "where's my husband? I need my husband!" =) Justin came back shortly and we requested to leave for dinner.
Since this would be our "last" dinner before we become a family, we decided to splurge on something nice, God was so good! Of all the Jap restaurants (yes we love Jap food!), Justin picked a REALLY great one, price was right and food was simply superb! Had a nice reflective
dinner and headed back to the hospital.
It was disappointing, though we had registered our interest for a single room so Justin could stay the night, no single rooms were available... we spent the night just talking and cuddling until it was time for Justin to leave. We were still harboring hopes that baby would turn in the right position so I'll be spared the C-sect.
Dr. Tang came in at 11pm to check on me, and baby was still head up. *sigh* At that point, I prayed a prayer of release. I told God to do as He pleased, what was important was that I remained obedient because He had only our best in mind.
The night was horrid... being a very light sleeper, any noise would keep me awake... Imagine listening to the orchestra of snores throughout the night from my roommate. =/ And then when I could finally dose off, nurses would come and check for blood pressure and temperature. I remember texting my sister in UK and having her keep me company.
20th May 2010:
At 4am, contractions started, moderately strong period cramps that would come and go. I curled up into a ball on my side and tried to sleep. At 5.15am a gush of warm fluid greeted me. I jumped, and it clicked - my waters broke!!! This was really significant for me...because ever since being told I had to go through a C-sect, our greatest fears were that we'd be bringing our baby into the world earlier than she'd like. But my waters breaking that morning was taken as a sign from God of His reassurance that His timing is perfect. =) I shall blog about this in my next post. I called Justin and he rushed to hospital. It was wonderful having him by my side =)
Called for the nurse and she performed a check for cervix dilation - this was VERY uncomfortable!! I was 1 cm dilated. She then hooked me up on a CTG and I was told to count contractions. I had strong ones lasting 20 seconds, being 2 mins apart. If I remembered what I read, those were some pretty good contractions! Another nurse came in 30 mins later, and exclaimed, "Superb contractions! You can beat any woman in advance labor", I was 1.5cm dilated then. Oooh yes, the breathing techniques REALLY WORK. But playing Tetris worked even better!! hehehe.
Dr. Tang was notified, and she came into check on me at 7am, baby was still head up. So my C-sect was bumped up from 9.30am t0 8am.
Nurse came in to put in my Catheter... which I hated. It's a tube inserted to drain your pee. =( very uncomfortable.
I was then wheeled out of my room to the OT, said bye bye to Justin.
In the OT I had music to listen to, courtesy of the anesthesiologist, which did a superb job! Felt no pain with all the needles and IV lines inserted into me =) Good job Dr. Ngun!
Then came the big moment, in a matter of what seemed to be 20-25 mins, Dr. Tang said, here comes your baby.. *pause* Aiya.... stuck... Seems that a part of her was stuck somewhere in me. So Dr. Tang gave a few hard yanks, I felt my body being tugged from side to side, and finally my baby girl was out!! Moments later, I heard a hearty cry! First thought, Ohhh my, such strong lungs.. I didn't get to see her immediately though... nurses cleaned her up, and 10 mins later, she was placed next to me... Eyes wide, rosy cheeks... I teared. =)
An hour later, I was back in my room.
Everything happened so quickly... on hindsight, all I really want to say is Lord You are so so good! Your grace is exceeding, abundant, so far above and beyond anything we even dare ask for!
As I'm typing, my baby is by my side.. so peaceful... *sigh* =)
19th May 2010
We "check-ed in" to SDMC at 7pm, Justin went to settle admission procedures while I was on the 3rd floor labor ward being briefed on the "events" that were to follow. I remember feeling excited on one hand yet jittery... All I remember telling myself was "where's my husband? I need my husband!" =) Justin came back shortly and we requested to leave for dinner.
Since this would be our "last" dinner before we become a family, we decided to splurge on something nice, God was so good! Of all the Jap restaurants (yes we love Jap food!), Justin picked a REALLY great one, price was right and food was simply superb! Had a nice reflective
dinner and headed back to the hospital.
It was disappointing, though we had registered our interest for a single room so Justin could stay the night, no single rooms were available... we spent the night just talking and cuddling until it was time for Justin to leave. We were still harboring hopes that baby would turn in the right position so I'll be spared the C-sect.
Dr. Tang came in at 11pm to check on me, and baby was still head up. *sigh* At that point, I prayed a prayer of release. I told God to do as He pleased, what was important was that I remained obedient because He had only our best in mind.
The night was horrid... being a very light sleeper, any noise would keep me awake... Imagine listening to the orchestra of snores throughout the night from my roommate. =/ And then when I could finally dose off, nurses would come and check for blood pressure and temperature. I remember texting my sister in UK and having her keep me company.
20th May 2010:
At 4am, contractions started, moderately strong period cramps that would come and go. I curled up into a ball on my side and tried to sleep. At 5.15am a gush of warm fluid greeted me. I jumped, and it clicked - my waters broke!!! This was really significant for me...because ever since being told I had to go through a C-sect, our greatest fears were that we'd be bringing our baby into the world earlier than she'd like. But my waters breaking that morning was taken as a sign from God of His reassurance that His timing is perfect. =) I shall blog about this in my next post. I called Justin and he rushed to hospital. It was wonderful having him by my side =)
Called for the nurse and she performed a check for cervix dilation - this was VERY uncomfortable!! I was 1 cm dilated. She then hooked me up on a CTG and I was told to count contractions. I had strong ones lasting 20 seconds, being 2 mins apart. If I remembered what I read, those were some pretty good contractions! Another nurse came in 30 mins later, and exclaimed, "Superb contractions! You can beat any woman in advance labor", I was 1.5cm dilated then. Oooh yes, the breathing techniques REALLY WORK. But playing Tetris worked even better!! hehehe.
Dr. Tang was notified, and she came into check on me at 7am, baby was still head up. So my C-sect was bumped up from 9.30am t0 8am.
Nurse came in to put in my Catheter... which I hated. It's a tube inserted to drain your pee. =( very uncomfortable.
I was then wheeled out of my room to the OT, said bye bye to Justin.
In the OT I had music to listen to, courtesy of the anesthesiologist, which did a superb job! Felt no pain with all the needles and IV lines inserted into me =) Good job Dr. Ngun!
Then came the big moment, in a matter of what seemed to be 20-25 mins, Dr. Tang said, here comes your baby.. *pause* Aiya.... stuck... Seems that a part of her was stuck somewhere in me. So Dr. Tang gave a few hard yanks, I felt my body being tugged from side to side, and finally my baby girl was out!! Moments later, I heard a hearty cry! First thought, Ohhh my, such strong lungs.. I didn't get to see her immediately though... nurses cleaned her up, and 10 mins later, she was placed next to me... Eyes wide, rosy cheeks... I teared. =)
An hour later, I was back in my room.
Everything happened so quickly... on hindsight, all I really want to say is Lord You are so so good! Your grace is exceeding, abundant, so far above and beyond anything we even dare ask for!
As I'm typing, my baby is by my side.. so peaceful... *sigh* =)
"Final" day off
Yeap, I have the day off today, following the Saturday Homeschool Sports Day.
Realised that this is the very last day off I'll have.. ALL to myself for a while. Reason being: our daughter's going to be delivered this Thursday =)
The story is such: We went for our routine checkup last Wednesday where I was hooked up to a CTG to monitor baby's heartbeat as well as uterine contractions. After 40 minutes of staring at the ceiling and occasionally falling asleep, the verdict was this - baby's heartbeat is happy and healthy, and mommy's uterus is indeed contracting. The gynae then proceeded to explain that my contractions were strong. To illustrate how strong, she added that if I were a 2nd time mommy, these contractions would signal that I'm at least 2-3cm dilated. Yeap.
Now the "problem" was this... baby was still breech - head up, feet below. And in her experience, once contractions like that start it will be not more than 2 weeks and real labor will start. She couldn't have that happen because if labor should start and baby's legs or umbilical cord drop out first.. it will be life threatening to the baby. So in short, she scheduled me for a C-section this Thursday 20th May 2010.
It took me a few days to fully digest this. In my mind, I had 3 weeks more to prepare for her arrival... all of a sudden, that was knocked down to 8 days! Also I was worried that she'd only be 37weeks and 5 days on the day of the C-sect, but doc said that she was a good size and there was nothing to worry about.. Her estimated fetal weight = 3.1kg.
I guess the biggest thing for me is that I felt somewhat incompetent... somewhat as though I'm not able to perform one of nature's most natural functions. =/ That's a story for another day.
It's been a few days since, and many people have been telling me that they feel strongly that our girl's going to turn at the last minute and I won't need a C-sect!!! I say, keep praying and keep believing!! That's what we're doing now, we're going to be admitted as planned, and pray that when they do the final scan, she'll be right side up =)
Keep us in prayers will you? =)
Realised that this is the very last day off I'll have.. ALL to myself for a while. Reason being: our daughter's going to be delivered this Thursday =)
The story is such: We went for our routine checkup last Wednesday where I was hooked up to a CTG to monitor baby's heartbeat as well as uterine contractions. After 40 minutes of staring at the ceiling and occasionally falling asleep, the verdict was this - baby's heartbeat is happy and healthy, and mommy's uterus is indeed contracting. The gynae then proceeded to explain that my contractions were strong. To illustrate how strong, she added that if I were a 2nd time mommy, these contractions would signal that I'm at least 2-3cm dilated. Yeap.
Now the "problem" was this... baby was still breech - head up, feet below. And in her experience, once contractions like that start it will be not more than 2 weeks and real labor will start. She couldn't have that happen because if labor should start and baby's legs or umbilical cord drop out first.. it will be life threatening to the baby. So in short, she scheduled me for a C-section this Thursday 20th May 2010.
It took me a few days to fully digest this. In my mind, I had 3 weeks more to prepare for her arrival... all of a sudden, that was knocked down to 8 days! Also I was worried that she'd only be 37weeks and 5 days on the day of the C-sect, but doc said that she was a good size and there was nothing to worry about.. Her estimated fetal weight = 3.1kg.
I guess the biggest thing for me is that I felt somewhat incompetent... somewhat as though I'm not able to perform one of nature's most natural functions. =/ That's a story for another day.
It's been a few days since, and many people have been telling me that they feel strongly that our girl's going to turn at the last minute and I won't need a C-sect!!! I say, keep praying and keep believing!! That's what we're doing now, we're going to be admitted as planned, and pray that when they do the final scan, she'll be right side up =)
Keep us in prayers will you? =)
My Feet!!!! *Gasps*
My poor feet and legs now resemble those of an elephant =( My once dainty slender feet are now puffy... =( This is the plague of Edema (water retention). And it started getting bad on Saturday... Just today, the swelling went up to my knees and squatting down made me feel as though my skin was going to burst open and rivers of water would flow out from my legs... =(
Remedies:
Propping up my feet whenever possible
drinking lots of water
On a more positive note, baby's coming soon!!!
Hooray!!
Remedies:
Propping up my feet whenever possible
drinking lots of water
On a more positive note, baby's coming soon!!!
Hooray!!
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