My darling daughter.
Mommy loves you with all her heart, and it has been an indescribable 27 months with you. I really thank God that most of it has been great. But there are also valley experiences like tonight. You are a joy to raise. Strong-willed, spirited, rambunctious, intelligent, inquisitive, and you just exuberate joy. The hardest part in mommyhood so far has been getting you to take a break from adventure - to get you to nap and to sleep. It seems that it has been a tussle since you gained an awareness of your surroundings. As you grew, so did your appetite for fun and exploration. Getting you to nap/sleep is akin to putting a stop in the things you want so badly.
The real battle started after you turned 2 and mommy decided to wean you off your paci. Since then... nap/sleep time has been battlegrounds between your appetite for fun and mommy's will to make sure you get what you need. It's not fun when these times turn into debates, shouting matches, and mommy's hand on your thighs or bottom. After you drift off to sleep, mommy retreats to a corner to cry. Tonight's just one of those nights.
I don't know if I'm being overly strict or controlling of your nap/sleep times. Countless people have said that I should just let you be and if you're tired, you'll just fall asleep anywhere, anytime. See... I've tried... and it ended up with you sleeping 3 hours past bedtime after a huge tussle, and then waking up screaming every other hour because you were over stimulated. Then I'd have to wake you the next day because you had to follow me to work, knowing you were sleep deprived. The whole day would then be filled with your crankiness... and you won't be able to take your nap soundly... and in the night it'll be harder to put you to sleep... this cycle would last for 3-5 nights before your clock is retuned...
My darling daughter... mommy loves you so very much. As I sit here typing this... all I want to do is to let you know that mommy loves you so very very much. And it is tough being a mom. It's tough trying to do the right thing when I don't even know what it is most times. So forgive mommy for yelling at you tonight... I'm sorry.
Alyssa's updates at 21 months.
It's been a while and the girl is really no longer a baby but a lively, energy-bursting toddler. Her current achievements:
It's been a while and the girl is really no longer a baby but a lively, energy-bursting toddler. Her current achievements:
- Able to recognize and name 23/26 alphabets.
- Speaks in sentences. Max words: 7. Max syllables: 9
- Loves to tell daddy what happened in the day when he comes home.
- Able to spell her name - ALYSSA 8 March 2012
- Able to read her name - mid February 2012
- Knows approximately 600 words - nouns, verbs, adjectives.
- Addresses herself as Alyssa - mid February 2012. Prior to that, she addressed herself as Baby - late December.
- Refers to herself as "I" when accompanied by the word "want". E.g. I want ice cream, I want koko krunch.
- Remembers her "please" and "thank you". Sometimes she adds "welcome" after her own "thank you".
- Able to recite numbers from 1-12. Able to count number of objects with some help.
- Still remembers most of her bones even though it hasn't been reinforced for 4 months.
- Still sleeps through the night, not yet able to sleep on her own.
- Wakes up happy and says "hi mommy, hi daddy".
- Does a food jiggle when she sees her favorite food, she'll jiggle her bum and sway run towards food.
- Able to recognize the girl in the mirror as her.
When I am weak
My daughter is amazing. She is well behaved, obedient (well as obedient as a 19 monther can get), she's incredibly intelligent, she is massively cute, she is also very cheeky. She craves attention and does all sort to make us laugh. I love my daughter and she loves me.
But there's 2 things to which my fuses are extra short: 1. nap/sleeptime 2. screaming for attention.
After much reading, Justin concluded that she has sleep problems because she's intelligent ( unbelievable I know). Basically how that happens is that these babies/tots are sooooo into gaining input and exploring the world, that the last thing they want to do is sleep! Kinda like when we adults are hooked onto something. So this interest is like a need to them and it almost always overwrites the need for sleep and rest.
Only in VERY scarce circumstances does Aly whine for sleep and fall asleep in my arms in public/noisy/brightly lit places. She has to have her bedtime routine, has to be put to sleep in a dark dark place, and has to be patted to sleep, that with the aid of the pacifier.
So the problem I have with that is, nap/bedtime routines take a huge toll out of me. Cause when she needs to sleep, mommy is the only one she wants.
Today, it took me 1.5 hours of constant carrying and patting to make her take her nap... when it would normally take 5 minutes. Why? I don't know. But it drove me up the wall and down again. The result: I spanked her and screamed at her.
There are many things I can take, but this is just one of those things that break me. She cried cause mommy was a beast, and fell asleep. After the whole ordeal, I cried. I was alone, tired, with an achy abdomen, and tonnes of housework.
I went through a whole episode of how horrid a mom I was for losing my temper etc...
I have been relying on my own strength since Aly was born. I took pride in educating her, and raising her well. I enjoyed the praises people gave us about Aly. And I did it my way, all by myself. There is a price to pay when one does not rely on God - loneliness, emptiness, lethargy, and pain.
After pushing through this for 19 months. I am exhausted.
Today I prayed for God to come in... to forgive me for doing this without Him... for being so arrogant. There was a time when I enjoyed being weak. Things fell into place as I humbly obeyed God's leading. I pray this will come back soon.
Today I broke down and cried with my daughter. She saw her mommy cry for the first time in her life, and she cried more. Today I saw myself as I truly am - weak. But it was refreshing that in my weakness... I felt a huge burden lifted...
9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But there's 2 things to which my fuses are extra short: 1. nap/sleeptime 2. screaming for attention.
After much reading, Justin concluded that she has sleep problems because she's intelligent ( unbelievable I know). Basically how that happens is that these babies/tots are sooooo into gaining input and exploring the world, that the last thing they want to do is sleep! Kinda like when we adults are hooked onto something. So this interest is like a need to them and it almost always overwrites the need for sleep and rest.
Only in VERY scarce circumstances does Aly whine for sleep and fall asleep in my arms in public/noisy/brightly lit places. She has to have her bedtime routine, has to be put to sleep in a dark dark place, and has to be patted to sleep, that with the aid of the pacifier.
So the problem I have with that is, nap/bedtime routines take a huge toll out of me. Cause when she needs to sleep, mommy is the only one she wants.
Today, it took me 1.5 hours of constant carrying and patting to make her take her nap... when it would normally take 5 minutes. Why? I don't know. But it drove me up the wall and down again. The result: I spanked her and screamed at her.
There are many things I can take, but this is just one of those things that break me. She cried cause mommy was a beast, and fell asleep. After the whole ordeal, I cried. I was alone, tired, with an achy abdomen, and tonnes of housework.
I went through a whole episode of how horrid a mom I was for losing my temper etc...
I have been relying on my own strength since Aly was born. I took pride in educating her, and raising her well. I enjoyed the praises people gave us about Aly. And I did it my way, all by myself. There is a price to pay when one does not rely on God - loneliness, emptiness, lethargy, and pain.
After pushing through this for 19 months. I am exhausted.
Today I prayed for God to come in... to forgive me for doing this without Him... for being so arrogant. There was a time when I enjoyed being weak. Things fell into place as I humbly obeyed God's leading. I pray this will come back soon.
Today I broke down and cried with my daughter. She saw her mommy cry for the first time in her life, and she cried more. Today I saw myself as I truly am - weak. But it was refreshing that in my weakness... I felt a huge burden lifted...
9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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