In my last post I had a dilemma and decision to be made - to Clomine or not to Clomine. Well.. after lots of thinking, tossing, and turning. We've submitted it all to God and decided we'll do a round of Clomine. I'm finally feeling good enough to write. Cause since September, my emotions have been catastrophic to say the least. Finally today... Justin remarked, hey you're feeling better already ho? Then I realised, Gee whiz, I AM!
Had a good time just being honest and talking to God today. I miss that. Since September I've just been sending instructions and requests to God... there was no talking, no sharing, no crying my heart out, no honesty. Today I did, and there was no bombastic instant lifting of emotions. There was just a gradual lifting of my heavy heart and I'm feeling more alive now =)
After our first failed attempt, a voice asked me whether I'd be OK if Aly was the only child I got here on earth (remember I have another one in heaven). I couldn't bring myself to answering that, and I hated that question. Then that night itself, Justin asked me the exact same question. I froze. I fought. I argued. I logically analyzed the question. I even gave a politically correct answer. But I know my heart wasn't ready to let it go.
Today, my heart let it go. I let go of my dreams and plans on how my family would be. I let go of my wants and my longings. I let go. And I can finally say, if Aly is the only child I get on earth, I thank the Lord for the privilege of being a mom to my beautiful daughter, and I thank the Lord for all the joy and blessings she brought just by existing. And today, I felt liberated.
So the decision has been made, we'll do a round of Clomine, and if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. =)
And the culprit is.....
After 2 months of TTC, today I ovulated. Or.. was supposed to ovulate. But today was a whirlwind of things and we ended up at the gynae's office. My last period came 5 days late so I initially thought I was pregnant... and it ended 3 days late which is unusual for me. But what was more unusual was the continuous spotting after my period ended. Spotting was initially brown blood which I thought was the tail end of my period. But it stretched till today.. day 14. And today, the blood was bright red. Now, google is really nifty, but sometimes it serves to make the worry wart even more worried! So some checks on google came up with cervical cancer, and seeing my last pap results came back abnormal.. this was a huge cause for concern.
Thanks to my ever amazing Gynae, she slotted me in last minute even though she was absolutely packed until end of January 2012. Ended up waiting 2 hours to see her and in the end, my cervix looked good, and nothing was out of the ordinary... nothing except my ovaries.
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in 2009 when I started getting irregular periods and massive hair loss. And at that point, all I took home from that was that it will be hard to conceive. After that, I got my first pregnancy, and thought, "hey, that was easy!". Then the miscarriage happened and we took a 3 month hiatus after the D&C, and on the first month we TTC, we got pregnant with Aly. And again I thought, WHOA, PCOS, you have no hold on me!!
But now, on Cycle Day 14 in my 28 day cycle, an internal ultrasound showed that I had no follicles, no ovums to be released. It was just another popped cyst. So hopes of TTC this month are well.. gone. I thought that through pregnancy, the hormone shifts etc.. PCOS will be gone. So Dr. Tang presribed Clomine to help with LH levels so that I will start producing ovums.
So that was it.. the culprit is PCOS. Now... I told Justin that I felt like I wanted to cry, but somehow tears weren't being generated. Took me a while, but I realised, I felt bad because I felt incomplete and incompetent. But in the deepest parts of my heart, I felt this calm assurance. That everything is alright! Everything is alright! That whatever happens, I am held, I have hope!
So yes, PCOS is hindering me from conceiving, but I know my God is the Maker and Creator of EVERYTHING. He can definitely cause me to conceive just like that if He willed. So now, I'm going back to what it should always have been - total surrender and obedience. Knowing that conceiving and giving birth to Aly was not through my competence or ability, but through His grace alone. His Grace is truly exceeding, abundant, above, and beyond all things. Because of this, I don't need to cry, I need only walk and live a life of victory, because My God is so much Greater, Stronger, and Higher than all others, all circumstances, everything. It feels so refreshing to be able to rely on God this way. =)
Thanks to my ever amazing Gynae, she slotted me in last minute even though she was absolutely packed until end of January 2012. Ended up waiting 2 hours to see her and in the end, my cervix looked good, and nothing was out of the ordinary... nothing except my ovaries.
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in 2009 when I started getting irregular periods and massive hair loss. And at that point, all I took home from that was that it will be hard to conceive. After that, I got my first pregnancy, and thought, "hey, that was easy!". Then the miscarriage happened and we took a 3 month hiatus after the D&C, and on the first month we TTC, we got pregnant with Aly. And again I thought, WHOA, PCOS, you have no hold on me!!
But now, on Cycle Day 14 in my 28 day cycle, an internal ultrasound showed that I had no follicles, no ovums to be released. It was just another popped cyst. So hopes of TTC this month are well.. gone. I thought that through pregnancy, the hormone shifts etc.. PCOS will be gone. So Dr. Tang presribed Clomine to help with LH levels so that I will start producing ovums.
So that was it.. the culprit is PCOS. Now... I told Justin that I felt like I wanted to cry, but somehow tears weren't being generated. Took me a while, but I realised, I felt bad because I felt incomplete and incompetent. But in the deepest parts of my heart, I felt this calm assurance. That everything is alright! Everything is alright! That whatever happens, I am held, I have hope!
So yes, PCOS is hindering me from conceiving, but I know my God is the Maker and Creator of EVERYTHING. He can definitely cause me to conceive just like that if He willed. So now, I'm going back to what it should always have been - total surrender and obedience. Knowing that conceiving and giving birth to Aly was not through my competence or ability, but through His grace alone. His Grace is truly exceeding, abundant, above, and beyond all things. Because of this, I don't need to cry, I need only walk and live a life of victory, because My God is so much Greater, Stronger, and Higher than all others, all circumstances, everything. It feels so refreshing to be able to rely on God this way. =)
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