Guilt Stricken

Alyssa turned 5 months yesterday. We've made it past 5 months. Looking back I don't know how we could've done it without God... From a single sperm and egg, 37 weeks later, a baby. And 5 months later, here we are. It's been a heck of a ride, and I'm not exaggerating when I say we're enjoying it!

But I can't help but wonder how things would've turned out if I was, as I planned, a stay at home mom. I returned to work 6 weeks post partum. Since then, she's been faithfully following me to work every week day, and to music practices on Saturday, and then to church and my in laws on Sunday. So my baby is practically out every single day.

Until today, it still pains me every single morning when we have to go out. Left without a morning outing, and she sleeps well through till 10am. But because of work and practices, she is forced to wake up at 8am. Come work time, the excitement, boisterous children, bright lights, and noisy traffic heard from the room where her cot is located... these things keep my girl awake and she barely gets 2 hours of sleep from 8am-4pm.

So far she's been taken care of by my parents and me during work hours. I thank God for my parents and the flexible work arrangements that allow Alyssa to be cared for all the time. But it still pains me deeply that she's not growing in a stable home where she should be.

Deep down, I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to be there for my baby. I want to give my best to her and not to other people's children. My baby needs me. Yet, what I can muster up to give her... is a far cry from what I'd imagined.

Somehow we've been managing... somehow my baby has still been developing well. Somehow she still gets her 15-18 hours of sleep every day. She's still developing slightly above average. She's healthy and happy. That somehow is grace.

After having Alyssa, I had to rethink life. I used to take on a whole lot of things. I loved being productive, hence the constant pushing and all. Gave in to many demands and built a reputation for being able to do many things. But after Alyssa, my focus has shifted to that of providing for the needs of my child. my best from Monday to Friday is given to my work and students. So whatever time I have left with Alyssa, I aim to make it quality time. Because of this, I've had to cut down on a number of tasks. I can no longer hang out as much, stay out as late, go out for movies, go shopping on a fly, spend Sundays lazing around, go out for supper, serve in church as much, and the list goes on.

While juggling the shift of identities, work, marriage, and other commitments, I have inevitably come to realise a nugget of truth - I cannot do them all. Some things have got to be sacrificed. And I've decided long ago - it ain't gonna be my kid! So I do apologize if I have let any of you down by not being able to perform as well as I used to. This is what happens when you have a little person who depends on you for her every need. For those who are yet to have children, just wait till you have one of your own, then perhaps you will be able to understand my predicament. For those who have children who are all grown up, perhaps you'd forgotten how hard it was to raise a child? Especially in this day and age. I am afterall a newbie mom.

Until I can phase off from my job, I'll strive to put everything else on hold so I can spend good quality time with Alyssa. She's growing up so fast. I don't want to be that mom who looks at her teenage daughter and asks herself "how did she grow up so fast?? where did all the time go?" I only have that many years to spend with my girl until the day comes when she will no longer need me, so maybe after all is said and done, I don't really apologize for putting her first (after God that is). =)

Lord, I thank You for this child. Please give me the wisdom to raise her like you intended. Amen.